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Kiki's Cat Cafe

INT. KIKI’S KITTY CAT CAFÉ

Along the walls are a bunch of loose cushions and bean bag chairs – lots of soft stuff.

Kids are running all over chasing and playing with all kinds of cats.

High-top tables line the center of the room where trendy adults stand, sipping organic teas and ignoring their kids.

Behind the coffee bar in the back is a 40-ish white woman with the build of a shot-putter – like from the Olympics. This is KIKI, and she watches on with a relaxed smile.

A THIN WOMAN and TREVOR, her ten-year old, approach Kiki.

                          THIN WOMAN
               We’re done.

                          TREVOR
               But mom, just a little longer?

                          THIN WOMAN
Trevor, I said no. It’s time to go to your dad’s.
     (to Kiki)
How much?

          KIKI
Let’s see, two hours…

          THIN WOMAN
     (to Trevor)
Wow, two hours. See? How good a mom am I?

          KIKI
And six boysenberry teas, that comes to thirty-two dollars.

She pays.

                          THIN WOMAN
Great. And can I tell you – I love your place.

          KIKI
Thanks.

          THIN WOMAN
Cause moms need time for themselves too, ya know? And me, I only get that on the weekends when he’s with his dad. So a place like this is such a great distraction.

          KIKI
Sure.

          THIN WOMAN
Do you have kids?

          KIKI
Someday. I hope.

          THIN WOMAN
Don’t! They’re the worst.
     (She grabs Trevor’s hand)
Ok, see you on Monday. Byeee.

They leave.

From the back room, a lanky, rail-thin young black man awkwardly pushes through the double doors. He’s having trouble getting his apron tied on. This is CHUCK (24).

                          CHUCK
               SorryIknowI’mlate…

                          KIKI
               It’s fine. Take a breath.

                          CHUCK
               S’this goddamn SF traffic, ya know?

                          KIKI
Yep. Sucks.

          CHUCK
I got the email.

          KIKI
Yeah? You read it yet?

          CHUCK
Nah. Too scared to.

          KIKI
Read it now.

He pulls out his phone with a trembling hand – like, an uncontrollable tremor.

He reaches for the phone with his other hand, but that one’s shaking too.

A SHLUBBY MAN and ADAM, his pre-teen bpu approach. The boy can’t take his eyes off Chuck’s shaking hands.

Chuck notices -- quickly pulls his hands behind his back.

                          SHLUBBY MAN
                     (soft-spoken)
               Can I get a Tuber Tea to go please?

                          KIKI
               Sure.

Kiki goes off to get the tea.

                          ADAM
                     (to Chuck)
               Hey. You gettin sober man?

                          CHUCK
               What?

                          SHLUBBY MAN
               Adam, come on, you don’t ask people that.

                          ADAM
Why not? I think it’s great he’s cleanin up. Wanna encourage him.
     (to Chuck)
Keep it up buddy. Specially if you have kids. Ya got kids?

          CHUCK
No.

ADAM
Well keep it up anyway.
     (Deliberately looks at his father)
Otherwise, you’re nothin but a loser.

Adam walks out.

Kiki returns with the tea – Shlubby Man throws down money. With shivering hands, he pulls out a tiny bottle of vodka and empties it into the tea.

                          SHLUBBY MAN
               Don’t ever have kids man…

He takes a long sip and lets out the most ecstatic sigh you’ve ever heard – like you hear in a Sprite commercial.

                          SHLUBBY MAN
               Kids are the worst.

He leaves. Through the window, Kiki and Chuck can see the guy looking around for the son he’s clearly lost.

                          KIKI
               What the fuck is up today?

                          CHUCK
Kid thought I was an alcoholic.

          KIKI
Ha!

          CHUCK
I’m gonna wipe the highboys down.

                          KIKI
               K.

Chuck grabs a rag -- walks out from behind the coffee bar.

                          KIKI
               Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Chuck stops.

                         
KIKI
Nice try. Get back here. Read.

          VOICE (O.S.)
Excuse me?

An OVERLY TANNED WOMAN with a perfectly coordinated outfit approaches the counter.

                          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
               Hi.

                          KIKI
               One sec.
                     (to Chuck)
               Don’t read it without me.

Chuck goes off.  Kiki returns to her customer.

                          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
So, that’s my daughter there playing with that striped Tawney.

She points out KATH -- a seven-year American Girl doll come to life.

                          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
And she’s just fallen in love with it. So, I’d like to buy it from you. How much?

          KIKI
Sorry. I don’t sell any o’my cats.

          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
Oh sure, I get it. I bet you get asked all the time. But it can’t be easy running this place with no staff –

          KIKI
I have staff.

          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
Bless you. Kath and I come in a lot and, honestly, I feel like you help your “staff” more than he helps you. Honestly, this is the first time I’ve seen your boy do anything.

          KIKI
My boy?

          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
Anyway, my point was, I’m happy to pay you more than the cat’s worth. A lot more.

A loud CRASH echoes.

          KATH (O.S.)
OH NO!!

The Overly Tanned Woman and Kiki turn to see Kath and the Tawney leaning over Chuck.

He’s on the ground -- his body convulsing. He’s fallen and taken a couple highboys with him.

                          KATH
               Mister?

Kath reaches a hand out to Chuck.

                          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
               Kath! Get away from him!

The Overly Tanned Woman runs to Kath – holds her back.

Kiki vaults over the coffee counter like a goddamn superhero – she’s kneeling by Chuck in the blink of an eye. 

She holds him closer to her – and it takes effort. Finally, Chuck’s convulsion settles.

And Kiki just cradles him.

                          KATH
He was wiping the table, and then he fell over.

          KIKI
     (to Chuck)
You ok?

          CHUCK
I’m sorry Kiki.

          KIKI
You read it didn’t you?

                          CHUCK
Didn’t mean to. But it was open, and I couldn’t help peekin. Just got through the first couple lines.

          KIKI
You didn’t get in.

Chuck shakes his head.

                          KATH
               Didn’t get in to what?

                          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
It’s none of our business Kath. Besides, it’s probably something illegal we’re better off not knowing about.

Kiki turns her head -- glares at the Overly Tanned Woman, but Chuck’s whimpering pulls her focus back to him.

                          CHUCK
What am I doin wrong? My last audition was good. I mean really good. You know! And I only shook a little – at the very end. Maybe it’s just not for me.

A tiny porcelain hand appears on Chuck’s arm. Kath is leaning in with the widest eyes in the world.

                          KATH
               I’m sorry sir.

                          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
               KATH! LET GO!

The Overly Tanned Woman rips Kath away from Chuck.

Kiki sets Chuck down gently.

                          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
He’s a dirty…junkie, sweetheart. And we don’t touch dirty things.

She gets up and turns to the Overly Tanned Woman.

                          KIKI
               Get the fuck outta my café.

                          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
               Excuse me?

                          KIKI
You heard me. You people aren’t welcome here.

          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
You people? I’m just like you.

          KIKI
No. You’re not. For two big reasons.

          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
Enlighten me.

          KIKI
Number one, you don’t give a shit about kids. But I do. Every kid in this place has me watchin out for’em while they’re here. And that goes double for “my boy”.

                          CHUCK
               Your boy?

                          KIKI
                     (to Chuck)
It’s not a race thing. Well, it was when she said it. But I’m takin it back. Just wait, you’ll see. I’m bein ironic and sweet at the same time.

          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
And number two?

          KIKI
I’m queer.

          OVERLY TANNED WOMAN
You’re…you’re a…le…a les(z)- a les(z)- a les(z)…

          CHUCK
Also, you’re not racist?

          KIKI
     (to Chuck)
Yes! That’s right, thank you!
         
CHUCK
That’s what I thought anyway.
          KIKI
     (to Chuck)
I’m not! It’s a zing. I’m zingin her. Come on, real life rarely plays out this perfectly. Lemme have this one.
     (to the Overly Tanned Woman)
So THREE big reasons. And as far as I’m concerned, the third one’s the MOST important.

          CHUCK
You’re oversellin it now.

          KIKI
     (to Chuck)
Ugh, I can’t win with you. Just tell me we’re cool!

          CHUCK
O’course we’re cool. I love ya, you beefy queer.

          KIKI
I love you too. Now shut up, I gotta finish this.

Kiki turns back to the Overly Tanned Woman.

                         TANNED WOMAN
               Let’s go Kath.

                          KATH
               What about the cat?

                          TANNED WOMAN
I’ll get you another one. From…someplace else.

Kath gently puts the cat on the ground.

And then a muscly pair of hands picks it up and hands it back to the little girl.

                          KIKI
               Actually Kath, I’d like you to keep her.

                          KATH
               It’s a she?

                          KIKI
               Sure is.

                          KATH
               And I can just – have her?

                          KIKI
So long as you always remember where she came from. And what happened here. Cause you did good today, little girl. Real good.

                          KATH
               Thank you Ms. Kiki.

The Overly Tanned Woman pulls hard at Kath, who is holding on tightly to the cat.  They’re moving fast for the door.

                          KATH
               Mom, what’s a queer?

They’re out the door.

All the adults left, who’ve been watching this scene play out, slowly make their way back to their kids.

The kids, by the way, have just been playing with the cats the whole time – oblivious to this adult nonsense.

Chuck gets to his feet.

                          KIKI
So when do we start working on the new routine for your next audition?

          CHUCK
I dunno.
         
KIKI
None of that. I’m not letting you give up. Even if I do think it’s weird.

         
CHUCK
Clown college isn’t weird.

          KIKI
It is weird. But it’s what you want. Which means it’s what I want -- for you.

          CHUCK
Thanks Kiki.

          KIKI
You’re welcome. Now pick up these tables and clean this all up. You’re still on the payroll.


END SCENE

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